Mentally/ Emotionally, I’m quite good.
Physically/ Emotionally… let’s just say that we went to sleep at 9:30pm last night and this morning I woke up nauseous and with a headache. The train in wasn’t bad, and the -21 cold air helped clear my head a little (outside of it being very difficult to breathe in… I can imagine how bad it is/was for asthmatics). Right now, headache is back stronger than this morning and all I can think about is how much I want to go back to bed…
…that and how desperately I want some chocolate!
Yesterday afternoon was the first time I talked to my parents about “our” funerals. My dad was initially very upset and my mom shocked at my comments about wanting to be cremated… but it very quickly dissolved into various jokes like telling them to put me into their fireplace so at least I could give them heat for a bit… to flushing me or just sprinkling my ashes downtown since I don’t want to be kept in a jar somewhere… to a whole slew of other nonsensical ideas and thoughts.
In my mind, that’s the best way to get over the whole “fear of dying” bit. Because eventually the discussions did get a bit more serious in regards to things like graves, etc (and finding out that when my dad was much younger and still living in Italy, he did build caskets at the shop he worked at – and how my mom would not let him anywhere near her or anything in the house after work until he washed!). We even spoke briefly about the sister I never met… And ain’t it funny that it’s THAT which got to me more than anything else? Weird, hm? Pining for a soul I never got to meet this time around?