Being a Divorced Dad has always come with a lot of burdens. The lawyers work to make you feel guilty so that you cave in a lot easier, the ex works on making you feel guilty so you’re more flexible, and the kids could just as easily play those strings (subconsciously at first and sometimes consciously later).
During the entire time I went through my divorce I had folks telling me to keep my distance, not keep trying so hard to get the kids. These comments became much more frequent during the period where Chantale came into my life but SHE was never one of those. In truth, she spent a lot of time with the kids helping them with their homework, helping them with “life” questions, exposing them to positive activities (like Beavers/ Scouts).
I used to get the kids from Thursday night until Monday morning every other week. On my “off” weeks, I would still pick them up on Thursday nights for supper. Because we lived close, this was possible and Chantale and I were able to be much more involved in their school work. When they moved away to Laval, Chantale was incensed over the fact that they not only kept that information from us, but didn’t tell us their address until weeks before the event. I tried to keep my schedule but all it took was the first attempt to continue. I was stuck in traffic on the bridge for half an hour. Tears of rage and frustration kept me company while I had to accept the fact that I could not do this without potentially sacrificing my job and any chance for a “normal” life.
Changes were made which included extra time during the summers, etc. Two items which continued to remain was that I was to get them on Father’s Day and on my Birthday every year. The constant “ick” was that anytime I wanted the kids, I would have to go get them. Sure, she was always wide open to me getting the kids any time… as long as I was the one playing taxi. Even when THEY wanted to come over, it could only happen if I were the one driving. Again, I wanted them so I would do whatever I could. Father’s Day, unfortunately, often got screwed with because Melyssa was always enrolled in some activity (be it Gymnastics or Dance) that had a “show” on Father’s Day. So, if I wanted to see them, I’d have to go spend 3 hours in an auditorium or gym somewhere and see her for 10 minutes. That may have been “fine” (term used rather loosely) at the beginning, but what about MY father? What about my father-in-law? Heck, with Kyle and Charlize… what about ME?
If you’re thinking that I should get James and Melyssa on Father’s Day every year, I say to you: yes. If you’re thinking it should be easy, I say to you: if I had the money for full time lawyer, sure.
See? That’s another thing they don’t tell Divorced Fathers. AFTER the divorce, you’ll be SO broke that you’ll be willing to let little “icks” get away because you won’t want to go spend $400 for 2 meetings with a lawyer just to have them tell you, “yes, you’re right, but it’ll cost XXXX in fees to get it”. So, we let things slide.
Where is all this coming from? This year, same thing. No Melyssa. I should get James (if I wanted to drive over) but we did the “him coming and her staying” one year. What happened? James had a great time with us, and Melyssa felt terrible that she couldn’t be there. At the time, I thought it was unfair and thus decided that they should always be together. Yes, my brain wasn’t working because I never thought about how unfair that was to ME. Which means that as of next year (because I’ve fixed my plans for this year), I will take whoever’s available.
Anyhow, the point I wanted to make is that every year, my birthday “family” celebration and Mother’s Day weekend usually happened at the same time, and usually during my visitation schedule. And quite often, just to accommodate the legal papers that say the kids spent M.D. with their mother, I would bring them back early. (Remember a couple of weeks back about how I *had* to bring them back for 10am this year?). Well, guess what. From now on, I’ll be using the same rules. If SHE wants them on Mother’s Day, SHE’ll have to come and pick them up. As far as I’m concerned, whenever I have the kids on MY visitation schedule, I will bring them back at the END of that visit. In other words, 730-8pm. If she wants them back before then, she can drive over and get them. I’m not interfering with what is written in the divorce papers (her having the kids on Mother’s Day). I’m simply refusing to play chauffeur.
This is my public declaration that I’m fed up of being treated like a doormat. By extension, my side of the family suffers, too, and that’s just not right. So… has she made concessions for my visits over the years? Sure, sometimes. But considering that I *barely* see the kids for 3 days out of ever month, I think any concessions I make are harder to do. And I’ve made plenty.
Do I have any regrets about being Divorced? No. Do I have any regrets over the concessions I had to make? Certainly. I know for a fact that if the kids were living with me, they NEVER would have failed even ONE term. James has failed 3 and he’s only in grade 8. Melyssa has already failed one and she’s only in grade 5.
Et voila.
