I got a little bit of a shock this week. A friend of mine let me know that he’s getting divorced. He wouldn’t have told me except that someone else we were with let it be known that he was heading on vacation with a few single women and he kind of puffed himself up and mentioned that he was single, too. When I looked at him in confusion, he just let it out. As I continued to stare in a bit of shock, he shrugged his shoulders and told me to give him a call and that there’s a lot to talk about.
I’ve known him for about 6 years but have been helping/ talking to him for something like 3 years, coaching him on what he could/ should do to keep his relationship going. The advice I gave was top-notch and would have definitely helped. The problem, unfortunately, was that except on one occasion, I never really felt like he was in it trying to keep it together any more.
They have a four year old son and all I can be thankful for is that they didn’t have a second child like they were talking about last year.
All the signs were there. He liked to keep going out with his friends. He liked to keep going out drinking. He didn’t really see himself as a father. His eyes and imagination roamed. A lot. You could see that, emotionally, he wasn’t fully committed.
You know what’s the funniest thing? The entire time he kept coming to me for help and advice, I knew that he was going through the motions. Yes, I knew and he knew that the impact on his son would be rough. But I could also easily sense that as far as his wife was concerned… he wouldn’t mind leaving her behind.
What do you do when you KNOW a friend of yours is heading for splitsville? Do you share your concerns? Do you let them go on and be there to pick up the pieces? Do you try to talk to them individually and offer your shoulder? Do you believe in interventions?
I’m asking this in general and would really like to hear your thoughts/ opinions. If a friend of yours suddenly pulled you aside and told you, “look, I don’t think your relationship is healthy,” or, “I’m afraid your relationship is going to fail because…” would you tell them to piss off? Would you be offended? Would you be grateful that a friend cared enough to want to speak up or would you feel insulted that a friend could think that badly of a “relationship” you are involved in?
Sometimes, I see “signs” and it really saddens me. Guys who don’t take full responsibility for the lives they’re leading and just expect their women to “deal with it”. Guys who continue to go through the same pre-marriage routines with their buddies, etc, AFTER their weddings with the “she knew this is what I liked to do before we got married”. Guys who *say* they care about their family… but then continue to spend the majority of their time at work. Guys who put their work commitments ABOVE their loved ones. Guys who continue to stick with, if not dead-end jobs, then dead-end companies, instead of striking out to find BETTER paying jobs. Guys whose dream job is to be on the road instead of at home with their family. Guys who are so absent at home that they don’t even REALIZE or NOTICE that their wives are suffering so much they’re close to mental and/or physical breakdowns. By the by, this goes both ways.
Guys! Gals! Your JOB does not keep you warm at night. Your JOB will not be holding your hand when you’re DYING. Your partners are not your servants! Your significant others are not there to keep your house or apartment clean! Your KIDS are NOT your PETS! Your children need LOVE and ATTENTION. HOW will they get your attention if you’re always OUT or at WORK?
Isn’t it enough the daycare lady is raising your kids during the work week? Do you really want another STRANGER to raise them during the weekends? Because, seriously, if you lose them, that’s what’s going to happen.
Get off the fucken pot and make a TRUE commitment to the person you agreed to spend your life with. And for all the “young” folks thinking of taking that step into a full-time life together with someone else… THINK. LONG and HARD at what kind of a life you want to make for yourself. Will you still get along when one or both of you are unemployed for months on end? Will you still be able to support each other emotionally when the going gets rough? Because the going WILL get rough at one point or another. Trust and Respect are the two strongest emotions that must be included with LOVE. And you have to mean it.
I am on Paternity Leave for two weeks. These, with the three I’ve already taken, will eat up the 5 weeks allowed by the Government. Financially, as you’ve read before, it’s really rough. But being able to spend all this time with my FAMILY… that’s priceless. Let the Credit Card explode. Eventually, I will be able to pay it off. Not taking THIS time to be with my kids? I could NEVER regain these moments again. Charlize, at 6 weeks, has already changed SO much! I’m so glad I’ve been here to see it! And Kyle? He’s gone through so many changes recently, becoming so much more of a little person, and it’s been absolutely phenomenal to be here.
I haven’t been posting much because I haven’t really had much to say. I’m working on some novels, I’m working on the APA, I’m doing the things I do even though this is the lowest I’ve felt about the comics industry in a LONG time, but I’ve mainly got my kids and wife on my mind and a lot of those feelings and emotions are private and I have no need to share here.
Tonight, with everyone asleep, I felt the need to log on and post and just let go. Am I this way because I’ve gone through the loss of family and realize how important it is now? Yes. And No. I’ve always known of the importance of family and fighting to keep them. I also know what it’s like to struggle with a dead cause. And because of that, I also know what it’s like to LIVE again. To wake up as though from a deep slumber under the ocean, gasping for breath, for life, for energy to keep going. That’s what it was like for me meeting Chantale. It was inevitable that I fell in love as deeply as I did. She saved my life. She made me true to myself, to the “me” that I was before I became corrupted by the life I was leading. 1999 did not just usher in a new century. It ushered in a new me. One who was determined to make the best, and the most, out of life. I’m still doing it. I just wish that others could do it, too.
I’m exhausted. And now I feel like I’m rambling. And it’s almost an hour that I’ve been writing. So, I’ll just stop and go to bed…