The Grey’s Anatomy premiere is this week. What with getting the last season on DVD last week, we’ve been going through a mini-marathon in order to get ready for it. Not that we don’t remember what happened, but more as a means of getting hyped for it. We’re fans, what can you do? 🙂
One weird thing that’s happened, however, is that I’ve been having moments of… “whoosh”. I can only call it that because I can’t properly explain it. I’m sitting there, watching an episode, and I’ll catch a phrase or a movement or a scene and it’ll “whoosh” me back to 2 years ago. And then my heart starts to pound and my stomach drops.
Last night had such a moment. We were watching an episode where a doc (George) found a way to get a young patient into a quick look of the operating room. Standing before the doors, thinking about what was inside… whooshed me back to Aug 30 2007 and Chantale and I are walking the hallways of the Montreal Children’s Hospital just in front of the big doors through which we were going to be giving up our daughter with prayers and hope that the doctors’ would be able to cut open her heart, fix it, and save her life.
Being there, going through it, with other patients waiting their turns, felt surreal enough. Trying to live through it as matter-of-factly as possible was possible just by concentrating ON our child and the belief that everything would be all right. But suddenly, “today”, I’m (without realizing it) allowing myself the freedom to experience the fear, fear, FEAR, of that moment. It’s no longer me living through the “next moment” (ie; pass the baby over, head to another floor, meet with the doctor, etc etc etc), it’s me remembering just what we went through.
Folks always ask how the hell we managed to go through what we did… The truth is that we had no choice but to go through it, live through it, force our way through it, reaching greedily for the next moment, for the next hug, next smile, next heartbeat. Hoping it would come, believing it would come, trying to ignore the fear that it might not come, and grasping to every little bit of good news to pull ourselves out of that hole of fear and despair.
You would think that it would be easier to look back today. *shrug* I guess it depends on the day. It’s almost like I never know what I’m going to feel next!