Almost a week and a half since my last entry. Feels a little bizarre trying to post again. As though the world has passed me by and I have nothing to say, nothing to share, nothing to put forth. Almost like my “voice” has been taken from me. Plus, the fact that I’m trying not to wallow in mire keeps me from speaking out.
Yet, we get a lot of requests in regards to how we’re doing, how we’re coping, how we’re holding up. The truth is… we’re coping, we’re holding up, but we’re not sure how. It has been a rough couple of days. You wouldn’t think that re-integrating yourself into your own life would prove to be so difficult and yet…
Besides the physical and emotional exhaustion that comes from lack of sleep, and the mental drainage that comes from being released from the hospital, everything becomes… bland. unimportant. unnecessary. I look at the “priorities” in my daily life and can’t for the life of me fathom why some of this stuff is considered important for people. I look at what folks are complaining and arguing about and I don’t understand the logic of expending valuable time and energy towards things that are nothing but trivial.
It’s like I stepped out of my life and everything I’m living through doesn’t make sense any more. I understand it, and recognize what it is, but I can’t figure out the value of it nor why there is so much pressure put towards inanities, insecurities. Everything outside of family and whatever impacts family seems so… pointless.
It’s been a rough week. We ended up going back to the Hospital last Monday because some of the signs Charlize had been giving were concerning. She was fine but to be on the safe side we gave her another weaning period of morphine (which ends tonight). Outside of that, she’s doing very well but it came at the expense of little sleep and a lot of fatigue until we started another plan of fortifying Chantale’s breastmilk to make it hypercaloric in order to satisfy Charlize’s hunger and get some meat on her little bones. She’s got herself the startings of another great schedule and currently goes down by 9pm and only wakes up at around 3am to feed. It’s the part after 3am that gets a little rough. Sometimes she’ll fall back to sleep by 4am and stay until 630am, other times…
On top of all this, Kyle seems to be fighting something, too. He’s had a fever for about 5 days now. We’ve seen the doctor 3 times (counting today) and if he still has a fever in the morning, we’re to head over to the Hospital for bloodwork and xrays. The only good thing about needing to go to the hospital tomorrow is that Charlize’s follow-up visit is tomorrow. So, at least it’ll all be on the same day.
So, how are we doing? It seriously depends on the day/ moment. For the most part, we’re doing okay. But, when the extreme fatigue kicks in with the issues of adjustment and the stresses and pressures of “getting on with our lives” it becomes difficult and stressful. Being “away” for a Month means we’ve got a month’s worth of catching up to do at home. Heck, one of the highlights of this weekend was the fact that I finally managed to mow the lawn! And vacuum! *sigh*
All right, enough of that. I wanted to post an update before I completely disappeared. I’ll try to get back into the swing of things. Eventually.