Saturday afternoon
No times to read friends page or reply. sorry.
Things I didn’t mention the other day. Signs that things weren’t optimal.
She only gained 1 lbs in a month, not even 11grams a day when it should have been 20-30.
she was in a GREAT mood yesterday. Last night was rough, ICU is loud, and active so she had a real hard time settling down, past 11pm, awake at midnight but gave me from 1am to 4am to sleep then from 5:15 to 8:15. Mike showed up at 5am to take over.
We need to do longer shifts to keep our strength, but long shifts with her are really exhausting. We can’t walk her since she’s hooked up to monitros so we can pace within 2 ceramic tiles for hours on end looking either at the nurses station or at the AMC downtown montreal. We don’t have bed or rooms to escape to, nor access to a Ronald MacDonald house to escape and decompress. We have the parents lounge which has a few couches, and a small fridge, we are living out of 1 small suitcase that is under her crib. No place for privacy, no place to cry without being seen. No place to sleep alone, the most comfortable I got was taking my shoes off to put my feet on the couch. No PJs in days, no bath. I could shower there, again it’s like walking into a closet so I choose not to. I brought some pillows, it helped, a small smell of home.
BF. That’s a whole different story. I’m so tired. So tired that my supply is dwindling. I know sleep will help but it’s not just that, I can’t be there ALL the time to be on call for her. If she has a growth spurt I simply can’t. So I’m trying to express but it’s not really working. I’m going to bring some milk from home but I don’t know how long this is going to last. It’s REALLY hard. I have people who say give up, some who say do the best you can. It’s hard. I want teh best for my baby and right now my BM feels like the best gift I can give her for all the crap she’s going to endure.
and by crap, for those who don’t know, it’s going to be hell. Dozens of needles, tubes, wires, a pacemaker, respirator, machines, drains going in and out of her body. I won’t be able to hold her for a LONG time, I won’t be able to BF for a LONG time. They won’t allow me to since they have to measure her food. I know it’s for the best but I can’t hold my baby girl. So not only am I trying to maintain my milk supply I’m trying to increase it during a crappy time.
Other than that, we’ll have more definitive news monday when the cardiologists meet and discuss her case, for now…we wait.
Oh, Happy 4th wedding anniversary to my husband and I for the 30th.
Kyle is great, I miss his SO much. It aches me, he came to visit us last night for about an hour and I waited by the elevator like I an impatient and excited kid pacing back and forth till they showed up. He’s having a great time at Omi’s & Grandpapa, but I know it’s draining for them, they’re trying to pick up the pieces of our life that we left behind, our dog, our son, sometimes our house. They also work full time so I know how hard it is for them. As for Kyle though I know he’s taken care of (and I do suspect Mom is trying to toilet train him) and he’s having a grand old time living it up without Mom & Dad. 🙂
Mike’s tired, we had lunch together today, that was nice. Even though we are there, we don’t see each other often. We don’t get alone time, behind curtains of an ICU isn’t private. And the only time I’m allowed to shut the curtains is if I’m BF, so Charlize is in my arms, I’m not looking for romantic, but some 1-1 time would be nice, even just to talk or hold each other or cry.
But she’s in the best possible hands, our own combined with those of the hospital staff. Even though the complications and everything they told us scared the shit right out of me. Terrified I am of loosing my baby. I felt like a whiner after holding her for over 5 hours last night I dared complain that my back was aching, until I realized I should just shut up since I won’t get to hold her in a while at all. It’s all very twisted.
Enough for now, I need me time.