So You Want To Be A Parent?

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So you want to be a parent??... Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 18 simple tasks for expectant parents to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

ONE

Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a pillowcase filled with beans down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After nine months, take out 10 percent of the beans. Drink a gallon of water. Do not go to the bathroom for 24 hours, or go to the bathroom every 3-5 minutes with no regard to the "amount" you have deposited. Either way you will get a good sense of what "bloatation" is like. Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local drugstore and tip the contents of your wallet on the counter. Tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

TWO

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already is a parent and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, apallingly low tolerance levels, and allowing their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it--it will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

THREE

To discover how the nights will feel... Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM. Set the alarm for 3AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45AM. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM. Put the alarm on for 5AM. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

FOUR

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out... Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower bed, then, rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

FIVE

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this --all morning.

SIX

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a peice of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations!! You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

SEVEN

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

EIGHT

Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

NINE

Repeat everything at least, if not more, five times.

TEN

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child.... a full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

ELEVEN

Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. Tip half into your lap...the other half just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

TWELVE

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Disney. Watch nothing else on T.V. for at least five years.

THIRTEEN

Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about half way in and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for two years.

FOURTEEN

Make a recording of Fran Fine (The Nanny) saying "Mommy" repeatedly. Important... No more than a four second delay between each "mommy". Occassional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with an toddler.

FIFTEEN

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing the tape made from FOURTEEN above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

SIXTEEN

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day in which you have an important meeting. Take a cup of cream, and put 1/4 cup lemon juice in it. Stir. Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this mixture. Attempt to wipe it off with this towel. Do NOT change. You have no time. Go directly to work. Ahhh the joys of parenthood!

SEVENTEEN

Go for a ride, but first.... Find one large tomcat and six pitbulls. Borrow a child safty seat and put it in the back seat of your car. Put the pitbulls in the front seat of your car. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat. For the really adventurous...Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop.