Diary of a Dad - 1999 Journal

Well, here we are in 1999. For those of you who've been here before, you know the way I've set this Journal up. For those who don't, here's the recap: I've always wanted to put a short Parenting Journal up on the web, but couldn't decide on the kind of format I wanted. After all, most surfers read whatever comes up on their screen first, and don't always scroll downwards to see what else is on a page. That's why many journal-type pages have the latest entries at the top. The reader in me doesn't like that. It's too much like reading a book in reverse chapter order! So, I've decided to make my journal linear :)

Thursday April 15, 1999

I'm guessing a lot of folks are wondering where I've been all this time. After all, we're now in April and my last real on-line entry was October 4, 1998. It's rather simple to explain.

By the end of October, things at home had taken a turn for the worse and Gina and I sought counselling to help us through. It was rough, but we were working through it. As with everything, some days were better than others. Of course, some of the things that came out of those sessions really blew my mind (like finding out she mainly wanted kids as a way of making me pay more attention to her, and how they all blamed me for her father's heart attack because he got so angry at the fact that I wouldn't side with her against MY family in a misunderstanding/ dispute that SHE refused to see correctly). In December, I was battling depression on both a seasonal level (SAD) and an emotional level (marriage breakdown). By the time January rolled around, I had reached as far down as I could go, and then, after a brief chat with my doctor, I suddenly peaked. By the end of February, Gina and I butted heads for the last time and, after expressing a lot of pent-up anger on both our parts, we separated.

It's funny. Shortly after that time, it felt like a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders. Two weeks later, after a counselling session for James (we wanted to test him for ADD), we exploded at each other during a discussion with one of the counsellors. Needless to say, that cemented our desire to stay separated and we made preparations both financially and living-wise. I'm currently staying with my folks, while she and the kids stay in the duplex upstairs. Come July, they'll be moving out and I'll be moving back in. In the meantime, we take one day at a time.

Anyhow, the one downfall to all this is that I missed out on putting down all the things that have happened with the kids in the last couple of months, including how it felt to put up our FIRST Xmas tree. Oh well. Such is life. I'm hoping this journal doesn't suddenly become a "how I'm coping not having custody of the kids", though... I really had wanted it to put down how life was with the kids as they grew....

Monday June 28, 1999

So much for being able to keep a journal going. Nothing else has been on my mind outside of the changes in my life and dealing with it. (You can read more about it on my Articles page where I've put a few Last Word articles on that subject). I really didn't think life would be as difficult as it turned out to be these last couple of months with the kids living upstairs, but it has. We're now down to the final count. This time next week, they'll have moved out and I'll be upstairs waiting for my furniture to arrive. I asked James yesterday if he was gonna miss me when they move out. "Yes... but not now" was his reply. Such wisdom in that little 4.5 year old frame. Yes, Daddy, I will miss you when we move out, but we haven't moved out yet, so for now, I'm enjoying this...

Ok, things done recently: Well, this weekend I took him to see TARZAN. He really really enjoyed it! It was so much fun watching him react to what was happening on the screen. You can just feel your chest swell with pride and love... It was a lot more enjoyable watching him at Tarzan than it was a few weeks ago when I took him to see STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE. Although, to be fair, he jumped around quite a bit whenever Jar Jar Biggs was on screen (grin).

So, what's next? Well, as I mentioned, I'll be moving back into my apartment next week. That means I'll find myself with many, many nights of being alone. I'll definitely have the time to reflect on life and the future. I think you'll see a lot of those thoughts uploaded here...

Saturday September 4, 1999

Another two months over, and hardly a peep on this web site. Why's that you may be asking? Simple. Just when I thought my life had been subjected to all the upheavals it was able to cope with, a few more twists and turns came my way. My job with the Naval Engineering Test Establishment (Canadian Department of National Defense) came to an end last month due to many factors, especially including lack of work. As disappointed as I was that I chose to terminate my contract with them instead of ride it out, there was a lot of good to come out of it. First off, because of my leaving my last job, I was able to cash in on stocks and bonuses which helped me out with the separation. Secondly, I got my DND Security Clearance of SECRET which is valid for ten years. Thirdly, I got to enjoy my summer. The first time in over 10 years since I had some "time off".

The best part of this extra time? I got to spend a LOT of it with my kids. I was picking up James from daycare every day at 4pm. I was with Melyssa from 2:30pm. They were with me until about 6pm. So, I got, what I felt, a second chance to bond with my daughter. You see, because of the work schedule I'd been keeping the last couple of years, I didn't get a chance to spend as much "alone" time with Melyssa that I would have liked to. James and I had our time to bond when he was little. It was a lot more difficult with Melyssa with her being sick all the time, and James demanding attention as well. Thus, the two or more hours I spent alone with her every day for the last 6 weeks were very healing. My eyes would tear up with pride and love whenever I went downstairs to pick her up after her nap. Then after a few hours, we'd head over to pick up James together, usually spending about 35 minutes playing in the daycare's playground. It was magical. To me, it was a gift from God. His way of rewarding me for the rough times I had to go through.

They both started a new daycare/ school closer to their new apartment last week. Thus, I only see them every weekend or second weekend instead of every day. It definitely makes it harder. Just yesterday night, talking with James on the phone, I found myself beginning to cry at the thought of not seeing them until the 10th (I dropped him off on the 29th of August, and Melyssa on the 31st). Again, just more adjustments that need to be made. However, with them both busy every day, it means it's time for me to land a new job. The time is right for it. I expect some good news on that front next week.

Wednesday November 10, 1999

I was right about the good news. Shortly after my last entry, I got called and subsequently hired by Standard Life to work in their Systems Development Department for their Mutual Funds Project. Thus, once again, the daily trials and tribulations of working life have taken over my days. You would think that after so many years of getting up early, I would be used to making my way to work. I guess it's not possible (smile).

James has been going to Gymnastics every Saturday morning and having a ball. His swimming lessons continue on Sundays and it's great watching him have a blast. He's so fearless that it's scary. Watching him, I sometimes worry that he's getting so caught up in the joy and fun that he might inadvertantly harm himself. It's hard to be distant from your child when they're engaged in horseplay...

Melyssa will more than likely start going to Gymnastics in January. I really wonder how she'll take to that. It'll be the first sport she'll be involved in where she'll be alone. Previously, she had taken swimming, but I would be in the water with her. We'll see how it goes. She has the energy, that's for sure (smile)

I guess you're wondering how the adjustments have been? I think they've been good. I get to speak with James most every night. Melyssa I speak with if she's in the mood (grin). I have them generally every second weekend from Friday night 6pm until Sunday night 6pm. I love being with them and they do seem to really enjoy their time with me. This year, they'll be spending Xmas with their mom and New Year's with me. So, basically, at the Aragona household, we'll be celebrating Xmas AND New Year's on New Year's eve. I don't mind too too much because the New Year will finally be something special to me. Every other year, it's just been another day. This year, it becomes special in many ways: 1- It's the entry into 2000. 2- I get to spend it with my children. 3- I get to spend it with my folks. 4- I don't have to get to bed early in order to drive off anywhere the next morning. My family gets to enjoy their time with the kids for as long as they're awake. 5- I get to ring in the New Year with my girlfriend, Chantale. That just adds so many layers of joy to an otherwise 'normal' day that I have to be happy about it (big grin)

Yes, you read correctly. I have a girlfriend. And no, it's not too soon. My marriage was a sham and thus was over before it truly began with us going through the motions. I've been living my last couple of years mainly FOR the kids. Besides them, there was no love in the home. Chantale, however, is a wonderful, wonderful woman who has brought joy back into my life. James loves her and Melyssa simply adores her. Heck, most of the times when the kids are with me, they're more anxious to see HER than they are to see me! (hahahaaa!) As for me... yes, I love her and definitely see a future together with her (happy smile)

Friday December 17, 1999

Well, I knew it was bound to happen.

Two nights ago, my ex-wife decided that she only wanted me calling James every Wednesday night and him calling me every Sunday night. This, apparently, was for 'his own good'. She stated that she didn't want to disrupt his time with me and that she wanted him to have a father figure and didn't want to interfere in his contact with me. I had to point out how she was very much interfering in his contact with me.

It's funny. All the while she was going on with her so-called reasons for this, the thought that kept going through my mind was: "There you go, Vic. You called it, buddy". And here I've been hoping that it wouldn't come to this. A power-struggle with the emotions of my kids at stake.

The funny thing was how she was using the fact that the previous weekend, after I brought him home, he was very sad and told her he didn't want to visit me any more. She decided to go gung-ho because of that. Ain't it a kick in the head, I thought to myself, how EVERY weekend, when it was time to drive him back home, he would BEG ME not to take him home. Did I use that as fodder in any arguments with her? No. That's not my style.

I care about what's important to my son and daughter. Not what's important to me.